Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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