well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
