i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
