How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
