In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
