I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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