Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
