is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
