You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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