I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
