pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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