I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
