Fine. I'll sleep in my office
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
