I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
