I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
