then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
