I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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