david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
high people should be assigned attendants
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
