You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
