I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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