I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
