it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
