I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
