I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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