I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
