my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
