I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
