forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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