the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
