Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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