so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
