So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
