My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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