Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
