Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
