just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
