Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
