Don't you send me to vm
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
