Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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