I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
