no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
