she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
