She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
