So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
