I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
