I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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