Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
