I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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