Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
