i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
