Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
