She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
