I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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