You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
