Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
