I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
