Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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