operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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