im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
